jueves, 17 de diciembre de 2015

Star Wars The Force Awakens SUCKS: An objective review from a Star Wars fan (SPOILERS GALORE!)

By Victor Hernández

Star Wars The Force Awakens confirmed my suspicions all along: Making a Star Wars movie without George Lucas was a mistake.

There are many reasons why the movie doesn't work and most of the time it just plain sucks.

But first lets get the real spoilers out of the way:

1. Kylo Ren is Ben Solo, Han Solo and Leia Organa's son.

2. Kylo Ren kills Han Solo.

3. Rey is force sensitive and she's the one who ends up with Anakin Skywalker's light saber.

4. It is never revealed how Anakin's saber was recovered.

5. Luke Skywalker only appears a few seconds in the film and never says a word.

Ok. Now that the bullshit plot points are out of the way lets focus on the rest of the bullshit in the movie.

Lets start with the fact that nothing in the movie is original. Not. A. Thing.

The entire movie regurgitates elements from the original Star Wars trilogy without a hint of innovation. Take the first act of the original Star Wars from 1977 (droid with valuable information for the rebellion in desert planet finds its way to the main hero), the second act from The Empire Strikes Back (old guru telling force apprentice how to use the force), and the third act from Return of the Jedi (disabling Imperial shields in forest moon so Death Star can be destroyed) and that's The Force Awakens.

Why would anyone want to see a remake of the original trilogy? That's what the blurays of original trilogy are for.

But that's the big picture. If we get down to the minor details of the story it's downright offensive to any real Star Wars fan. Example:

1. Rey turns out to be so strong with the force that she's able to read Kylo Ren's mind, do a Jedi mind trick on a Stormtrooper, have force visions, use the force to grab a light saber -mind you- while a Sith who was able to stop a laser in mid-air was also trying to use the force to grab it, and kick Kylo Ren's ass with a light saber without the slightest hint of Jedi training and just with Maz Kanata's tip to let the force guide her.

Right... so Anakin Skywalker, who was created by midichlorians and had more midichlorians than Yoda, didn't have enough skills with the force to do anything other than race pods.

Luke Skywalker trained lets say several hours with Obi-Wan Kenobi and was hardly able to block a remote with his light saber. Not only that, Luke was barely able to get his light saber while being captured by the Wampa and after days of training with Yoda he could only lift some rucks.

But Rey is able to do a FUCKING JEDI MIND TRICK without knowing SHIT about the Force?

I call bullshit on that. BULL-SHIT. Grade-A, organic, pasture-fed bovine excretia. BULLSHIT.

2. Poe Dameron reveals sensitive, classified information from the Resistance to a Stormtrooper just because he helped him escape. Shit! He told Finn BB-8 had a map to find Luke Skywalker and where to find it. Didn't Poe Dameron ever consider the possibility that Finn was using him to get to the Resistance base? Even worse! BB-8 turns out to have more brains than Poe Dameron, as he never reveals ANYTHING to Rey regarding the map and always says that information is classified.

3. Why the FUCK did Finn get this morality issue for doing his job as a soldier and deserted after his first mission if he was trained since he was a kid to do just that? Didn't anyone tell him the BLASTER he was carrying was supposed to KILL PEOPLE? That is one big pile of steamy horsecrap.

3. The Starkiller is beyond preposterous. It draws the energy from a star until the star disappears and then it uses it to blast several planets at the same time. Oh yeah? And how exactly does the Starkiller remain in orbit after the star it uses is gone? If a star vanishes, its planets no longer have a gravitational field for an orbit and they would shoot themselves into space, making it nearly impossible to aim the weapon at any other planets. Plus, if you burn out the star you're drawing energy from, where are you going to get more energy? That is, unless you can move an entire planet into hyperspace, which is also BULLSHIT. "Wait! You can say the same about the Death Star! How do you move it from Alderaan to Yavin 4?" some may say. Well, using a hyperdrive. But there's no hyperdrive large enough to move a planet.

4. Supreme Leader Snoke is BULLSHIT. Lets ignore for a second the fact that he looks like Voldemort with Darth Vader's scars and it looks SO FUCKING FAKE it made all of the claims of "Ooh, we only used physical efects instead of CGI like in the original trilogy" an even bigger pile of CRAP. Who the FUCK trained Snoke in the dark side of the force if there were no more Sith after Return of the Jedi? "Well, maybe he was a Jedi or who turned to the dark side", some may say. But guess what: There were NO MORE JEDI other than Luke. And of course, Snoke's existence is never explained in the movie.

5. The whole thing about the map to get to Luke is also BULLSHIT. Right, so the First Order has a map of the galaxy minus the piece hidden in BB-8. And they couldn't figure out Luke is somewhere in that SMALL PIECE OF THE GALAXY? The same goes for the Resistance. Really? They couldn't figure out where in the galaxy is that piece BB-8 had? "Damn! I have this map that tells me where Argentina is. But I can't get to it because I don't have a map of the rest of the world." And by the way: Corsucant didn't have complete maps of the galaxy? Really? The Republic doesn't know what the galaxy looks like? That is really, really, really IDIOTIC.

6. R2-D2 suddenly and conveniently comes back to life after he finds a map to the galaxy that can be used to "complete it" with BB-8's map. So all you have to do to get the fucking map was GOOGLE IT? FUCK YOU, JJ Abrams!

7. Kylo Ren survives a blast from Chewbacca. So let me get this straight; the movie makes the point that Chewbacca's crossbow blaster is so powerful it actually pushes Stormtroopers off the ground. But when Chewbacca shots Kylo Ren he acts like he had a regular blaster wound. BULLSHIT.

8. Leia doesn't use The Force. Except for the part when Kylo Ren kills Han Solo and Leia "feels" Han's death, we never see Leia actually using the Force. Which is just plain stupid, as she could've used the Force to get to Luke without needing a FUCKING MAP. We know this because we already saw it happen in The Empire Strikes Back. Luke was able to find Leia and Han in Cloud City and Leia was able to find Luke after Vader kicked his ass. Oh, and by the way; couldn't Obi-Wan or Yoda appear as force ghosts and tell Leia where to go as Obi-Wan did in The Empire Strikes Back when he told Luke to go do Dagobah? So once again, we have a big pile of BULLSHIT in the plot.

9. Why the FUCK is Luke so surprised when he sees Rey in the final shot of the movie? Luke knew somebody was in the island. Yoda did when Luke landed on Dagobah. He HAD to sense Chewbacca's presense. So why does he act so surprised? I'd be willing to give that shot a pass if it turned out Rey was Luke's daughter. But guess what: she isn't. She still remembers her parents leaving her in Jakku. So this scene was also bullshit.

10. Leia sending hand to his death. Leia insists TWICE that Han Solo can bring their son back from the dark side. And she could feel through the force when Kylo Ren killed Han Solo. But she couldn't use a little clairvoyance to know Kylo Ren was going to kill Han Solo? "Well, always in motion the future is", some may say. Except you can't expect a bad guy to suddenly become good in a few seconds right when his base is about to be destroyed. Either Leia is really that stupid or the plot of the movie is really that stupid. I vote for the plot.

And there's more. I could complain about the cartoony volture in Jakku picking at some trash; the guy who paid Rey with rations looking too much like Sloth from The Goonies; not a single alien looking truly original, or the crappy mechanical horse-thing the guy who was trying to captura BB-8 was riding. But all of that falls into the "unoriginal, horribly conceived design" category.

Oh, and lets not forget the space ships, which also look downright DUMB:

1. We never get to see what the new Star Destroyers look like because we never see one 100%. And the bits we see look ASS UGLY and poorly designed.

2. The Stormtrooper transports looke like submarines. No design effort whatsoever.

3. Kylo Ren's shuttle is Vader's shuttle without the large central fin and backwards. IT SUCKS.

4. The blasters look like something out of a bad episode of Star Trek from the 60s. Give me a break.

5. That Stormtrooper baton that can deflect a light saber is really dumb. Since there are no Jedi in the galaxy anymore, why do you even need them? The electro staffs used by General Grievous's bodyguard droids made sense because they were fighting against Jedi. But if you don't have Jedi anymore, why do you need a weapon against light sabers? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The list goes on and on, but I think I made my point.

Thus, I stand my ground and I stand behind my previous claims that The Force Awakens is nothing more than rehash from the original trilogy without a hint of originality and only for the purpose of pandering to fanboys who didn't appreciate the fact that George Lucas was trying somenthing different with the prequel trilogy. All for one purpose only: so Disney can get the money back from their purchase of Lucasfilm.

How does The Force Awakens rank among the Star Wars movies? It doesn't. It's not even a Star Wars movie. It's fan fiction with a large budget. And TERRIBLE fan fiction for that matter. Shit! I enjoyed The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones a lot more than The Force Awakens. Turning Star Wars into The Fast and the Furious, as Disney attempted to do with The Force Awakens, is the equivalent of taking a dump on Star Wars and charging money for watching it.

PS: And by the way: this movie only proves that JJ Abrams is a TERRIBLE director. George Lucas is a visual director who can speak to the audience through images and design. JJ Abrams is just a copy-paste guy. I'd rather see a George Lucas Star Wars movie no matter how bad people say it is than The Force Awakens.

PS2: Let me be 100% clear on this: Star Wars canon established that even the most powerful force-sensitive people WITHOUT Jedi training could only do two things with the Force: being a good pilot ("he can see things before they happen") and have good aim ("I used to bull's eye wamp rats.") Rey had NO JEDI TRAINING AT ALL. And yet she was able to do things a mid-level Padawan could do, like reading minds, doind mind tricks, telekinesis, have Force visions and defeat a Sith who was so powerful he could use the Dark Side to stop a laser blast and suspend the laser in mid air. So, plotholes and rehash aside, The Force Awakens violated the most basic rules in the Star Wars universe by making the Force something that happens out of nowhere instead of something you actually have to train to develop. And that is NOT cool.

No hay comentarios.:

Publicar un comentario