jueves, 17 de diciembre de 2015

Take this, Disney: Here is the entire (dumb) plot of Star Wars The Force Awakens

By Victor Hernández

You know what? I feel haven't shat enough on The Force Awakens, so here's the plot in a nutshell:

Luke Skywalker is missing, but he sent a map to Leia so she can find him (using the force to find each other like in The Empire Strikes Back is now demodé, apparently.)

Leia sends Poe Dameron to Tatooine -I mean- Jakku to get the map. (Instead of just asking the guy who got the map where Luke is and how he got the map, obviously).

The First Order arrives at Tatooine -I mean- Jakku and captures Poe, who hides the USB stick (seriously, it does look like a USB stick) with the map in BB-8. (Yeah, because we haven't seen that before in 1977.)

Finn defects from the first order because he's horrified with the killing of the village where Poe is captured. (Yeah, because soldiers who were trained like Finn since he was a kid are easily impressed.)

BB-8 finds its way to Rey, who is a scavenger in Tatooine -I mean- Jakku.

Finn helps Poe escape in a TIE fighter and they crash land on Jakku. Poe tells Finn classified information from The Resistance to Finn about BB-8 and the map to find Luke. (Yeah, because, you know, why not tell a Stormtrooper classified information just like that.) Then Finn bumps into Rey and BB-8 in another of the many impossible coincidences in the movie.

The first order sends TIE fighters to shoot at Finn, Rey and BB-8 in Tatooine -I mean- Jakku beacause they are looking for the map in BB-8. (Cuz what better way to retrieve a map than destroying it with TIE fighters).

Rey and Finn escape in the Millenium Falcon, which was stolen from Han Solo and now was parked in Tatooine -I mean- Jakku (conveniently filled with fuel even though it was apparently being used as housing, of course).

Han Solo captures the Falcon in a big-ass freighter he's using to transport some Rancor-size aliens that look like those plastic balls with tentacles from the 80s. (You know, originality above all else.)

Han, Finn, Rey and BB-8 escape in the Falcon after a fight with some gangsters and head to Maz Kanata's bar so she can help sending BB-8 back to Leia because Han doesn't want to see Leia (you know, putting up with The First Order makes more sense than going straight to the good guys.)

It is revealed that Kylo Ren is Han Solo's son.

Spies alert both, the First Order and the Resistance of Han Solo and BB-8's presence at Maz Kanata's place, and both sides go to the place.

Rey hears voices in Maz Kanata's castle and it turns out they come from Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber, which was in a box Maz Kanata had in her castle, although she won't reveal how she got it. The light saber also makes Rey have a force vision of her being abandoned in Tatooine -I mean- Jakku and Luke's new Jedi order being destroyed by Kylo Ren, who was an apprentice of him.

The First Order arrives and destroys Maz Kanata's castle. Kylo Ren takes Rey with her thinking she can reveal the contents of the map. (Yeah, you know, every single detail of a map with many star systems is SO easy to memorize after looking at it for a few seconds.)

The Resistance arrives and they drive away the First Order. Han Solo reveals Kylo Ren is Han and Leia's son.

Han and Finn go back with Leia to the Resistance's base. Han and Leia reveal Kylo Rent was sent by his parents to train as a Jedi with Luke but there was "too much Vader in him." Leia asks Han Solo to convince him to come back home.

The First Order uses a weapon called the Starkiller, which sucks energy from a star to destroy several planets at the same time. This time around they apparently destroy Coruscant among other planets. (Right, because why use a star's gravitational field to have an orbit when you need a steady shot to destroy planets if you can just spin out of control to who knows where once the star and its gravity are gone.)

Thanks to Finn, the Resistance finds a weakness in the Starkiller and they launch an attack against it. (You know, originality.)

In order to attack, first they need to disable the shields in the Starkiller. Han and Finn volunteer do that. (Because repeating Return of the Jedi is no big deal, of course.)

Meanwhile, Rey is able to read Kylo Ren's mind and do Jedi mind tricks without any training whatsoever. (Yeah, because having full Jedi powers out of nowhere just sort of happens, right?)

While setting up bombs to destroy the Starkiller's shields, Han Solo confronts Kylo Ren and reveals his name is Ben while asking him to come back home. Kylo Ren kills Han Solo using his light saber and Han falls into a pit.

Chewbacca detonates the charges as the Resistance X-wings start attacking.

Rey and Finn escape but they are found by Kylo Ren, who knocks out Rey and does a light saber fight with Finn. After Finn is defeated, Rey force picks the light saber (yeah, you know, because it doesn't matter if Luke could hardly do that after training with Obi-Wan Kenobi) and fights Kylo Ren, defeating him by apparently cutting his right hand. Then Chewbacca rescues Rey and Finn with the Falcon.

The Starkiller is destroyed by Poe Dameron shooting inside it like Lando and Wedge in Return of teh Jedi. The planet explodes as the Falcon and a few X-wings escape.

Back at the Resistance base, R2-D2 conveniently wakes up from a long slumber with the rest of the map needed to find Luke (so basically everybody was dumb enough not to figure out they could just use some sort of internet connection to find the map.)

Leia sends Rey, Chewbacca and R2-D2 to some island in some planet where Luke is.

The last shot in the movie is Rey giving Luke Anakin's light saber.

In other words, this movie is rehash, has no original elements in it, and its plotholes are beyond redemption. It's not even a Star Wars movie. It is fan fiction intended to patronize the fanboys who didn't like the prequel trilogy, insults George Lucas by having "this will start to make things right" as the very first line of the movie, and it's no longer an independent film with an artistic vision by a filmmaker, but a way for Disney to get back the money they paid for the purchase of Lucasfilm.

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